Madeleine, the youngest ever professor of bubblegum at Cambridge can speak 5 different languages; sadly none comprehensible to human beings. Despite this picture, Madeleine is quite photogenic and regularly poses for anybody with a camera who says please.

Her hobbies include:

• pretending not to be hungover
• euro-hindi handjiving
• obscene acts with a lasso, a roll of sellotape and a loo brush
• murdering grumpy customers.

You have been warned.